I set the alarm for 5:30 in the AM. When my life made sense, this is the time I would wake up every morning before diving nose first (No splash!) into my long productive days. I couldn’t wait to wake up and hear the birds chirping. Watching the sun rise to greet me like an old friend; meeting me every morning for a cup of Joe. The stillness of the earth whispering “Take it easy” into my ear before the chaos would commence.
Well, today I hit the Snooze button. I kinda smashed it. Three times to be exact!
( Head down…smh. Devilish smirk)
These days, I more like “Belly flop” into my days. Its been this way every morning for the past five months. I’ve been the victim of a recession and more tragically the victim of self sabotage and procrastination. Some might say I’m depressed, but I refuse to be defeated by that notion. I refuse to allow my life to fall under the dictatorship of a mind and heart bruised by conformity and disappointment. Maya Angelou is quoted to have said “I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it”. I victimized MYSELF, by allowing my mind to be smothered by the “Idea” of failure. I kept believing in the lie that I failed to be indispensable; when ultimately, I now believe it was the unfolding of destiny. I’m over it now. Moving forward (!) I became officially disenchanted with a world that demanded all of my time, energy and effort, to ultimately toss me back into the lost and found box. Left there for some HR genius to find and decide, that I would be a great asset to their company. That is until my services are no longer needed, or until I decide that my stress levels are way too high and my compensation not high enough. God knows I tried to do it the linear way… The, “let’s put all your ducks in a row” way. I’m done with that monotony. I can feel the heat of new horizons stirring in the depths of my soul. I’m done sleeping. I’m done laying down. I’m done being societies door mat.
“Welcome to the resistance” – Kenny Powers
Most of my nights end the same: glass of wine, smoke, sex, snack and then the inevitable silence.
The experience of tossing and turning kept recycling itself. Then it was time to wake up again. Time for kicking myself in the ass for not having “more” now. I would miss my mouth, day dreaming about life’s possibilities, while eating my cereal. (True story.) Waking only to further obsess over my shortcomings. I have always procrastinated but you would never guess looking at my resume. Because all I’ve ever done was try to aim at the stars, only to wind up doing what the consensus was doing… Which is getting by. Surviving paycheck to paycheck. Living like a rock star. When In the “Real World”, calling myself on the bullshit, I was Young, fabulous and Broke! Lol And yes like the clothing line. I rose up the ranks in record-breaking time at work. Landed stellar positions. Went on mini shopping sprees. Ate well. And have nothing to show for it. My new found purpose is no longer to be a mule for someone elses gain. Not when I have such intense creative instincts and I spew positive energy like an over fed infant. Not to mention, I’m a hard worker. Now I’m far from perfect! I’m not going to lie. I’m a fucking pirate. That’s what gets me into trouble. My mouth. I’m a little too much sometimes for a world infamous for bathing itself in the illusion and bullshit of lifestyle maintenance, instead of character building. Still for this I make no apologies.
This matter of becoming a victim takes up so much space in my brain that I feel challenged in the most insane way… inspiring a deep desire for change! All things fresh and new. My days of complacency are over. Fuck the recession! I feel weak but my spirit is STRONG. It has to be! Because if for all those years I dedicated my self to someone else’s vision with such fervor; I’ll be damned if I’m not that type of soldier for my own dream… For my own goals! And my ultimate goal is freedom. Freedom from the assembly line of life. Financial and mental freedom. Freedom from thoughts that cause me to have led feet. Today I challenge myself to a duel. It will be a drawn out battle and I’m going out guns blazing. Because I refuse to allow my dreams to fade due to mental slavery or even worse laziness. Time for power moves. As long as there is breath there is life. In the acknowledgment of our existence opportunity awaits in the shadows. “Wishing on a star”, it can happen you know… You just have to be that Star. You have to believe that you already have what it takes. Period. Then decide to not drop your head or take NO for an answer… Not even from yourself. Its my time. If I don’t believe that for myself who will.
Fierce Love… Power pulses resuscitate life.