It’s been weeks since my warrior spirit vanished. Maybe she’s on a sabbatical trying to “find herself”. Waiting on the divine to let her know that she is more than a conqueror. On lookers watch, speculating that this will pass. So where does that leave my ass? On my ass of course. Kicking my feet. Clenching my fist… swinging at the open air. Mute and void of inspiration.
WHY? I hate that question, but I ask with a marveled and perplexed heart. ME the survivor? The mountain top dweller? The face lifter and naysayer crusher? “Jolly Rancher” and “Smiley” imposed nicknames by friends that label me the optimist. And here I am typing, staring blankly at the screen as if I were writing these words on auto pilot. losing myself in catatonic worm holes every few words as my mind, body and soul regroup to conjure up complete and coherent thoughts without sounding like im rambling on repeat. I feel like Rah, Rah… fucking blah! Pom poms down like my up side down smiles.
The mural project is on hold… Posh Pirate website developments seem like the things that pipe dreams are made of. My money flow is about to expire and I feel like the “old me” the “real me” is on the verge of extinction. WTF. It’s like my life has the flu and the virus is spreading through out. I’m learning that my friends are fickle and few. My love life is blurred. I don’t even want to speak about it as to prevent myself from exposing what lies beneath shredded skin. This girl drowning in an empty pool. Gasping for air that is already there. Reaching for the gold ring as I turn on this speeding carousel when the ring is safely in my pocket. I know that I know that I know, I got this. But what is this mind barrier… where has it come from. Where is the Calvary. Not that I’m expecting anyones pity or consolation. Trust me, I know that we are all susceptible to such moments but where is my inner super woman?! Bitch needs to wake up! Cause I’m ready, even if I don’t “feel” my usual confidence I still have SOME of my spirit left. Thankfully its the risk taker portion of my spirit that still stands waiting on the rest of myself to catch up, while she continues believing for all of me that I can do anything. In the mean time, I’m left here waiting on time to show face. Believing along with the spectators that this too shall pass. Peace.
GOING OUT GUNS BLAZIN’